The Unfit Bit
A fake wearable, fit for a real president
To Whom it May Concern,
Are you worried your commander-in-chief might be losing it?
Does he embarrass you in public?
Or commit the occasional bit of light treason in secret?
Have you caught him losing focus and slurring his words during a critical speech? getting dangerously manic and self-incriminating with the press nearby? or a little too grabby near … well … you know.
Then we have the product for you: the all new Unfit-bit from the Bit-E Tech division of WW. Available in discreet orange tones that adapt to fit any occasion. Our monitor comes coated in a special temperature-sensitive pigment that automatically shifts from cool shady hues of Ogre Ochre, all the way to the incandescent glow of Raging Nuclear Sunset, thereby complementing the wide swings in moods and hues experienced by our gloriously tinted commander in chief.
But what more can the Unfit-bit do for you, in your role wrangling, sorry we mean supporting, our glorious leader? What can’t it do is perhaps the better question. Attached to the ankle (to reduce the risk that it might slip off any particularly petite hands, a feature we realize is superfluous to our POTUS with his manly-man’s ham-fists) it offers full spectrum targeted inactivity monitoring, and in an industry first, offers active moderation tools and public disgrace electro-chemical countermeasures.
But before getting into that, it’s important to know that the Unfit-bit has unparalleled battery life, since we do not bother with unnecessary biometric monitoring of fake news health indicators like heart rate. We know that your guy is the fittest president in history, and so we’ve streamlined the Unfit-bit to perfectly complement such vigorous commanders in chief. None of that soiboy liberal pansy-ass mask-wearing nonsense here. Just plain old Nixon-style audio to keep tabs on whatever crazy-like-Fox things he might say to the wrong person, to catch the fake news MSM in their own gotcha slip-ups, and yes, to keep the big guy on his toes whenever he’s meeting alone with any foreign “diplomats” in Helsinki or the oval office.
For true patriots, like our beloved leader, we make sure only the commander in chief himself can access the recordings, and automatically offload them all to a single secure classified server that can be easily misplaced. So we recommend entrusting care of such a server to an incorruptible figure like the attorney general. We believe that this technology can be used for our glorious leader, and with our affordable subscription model, can be used for all his successors. And in case the unthinkable happens (like another Dem somehow making it into the White House), we’ll be happy to roll out the mandatory oversight upgrade. When that’s employed, the Unfit-bit becomes a tamper-proof official-records tool, a wearable presidential stenographer of unparalleled discretion, resolve, and perspicacity (in other words, it gets a tamper-proof perspex casing). And rather than saving its records to an easily compromised server, the Dem version can be set up to have its recordings more securely archived, and available for a quick and speedy impeachment by Republican senators, since they are always eager to keep a POTUS honest.
But what about Unfit-bit’s moderation tech? That’s the truly unique and indispensable part of our system (seriously, we’ve asked pharmacists for refills, and they claimed this stuff is literally not dispensable, just before they threatened to call the cops on us).
Is an intelligence briefing too boring? Is he about to doze off? The Unfit-bit’s moderation features allow it to administer a quick shot of our proprietary stimulant, which should totally do the trick (trust us, it’s good stuff, and you’ll know it’s good, because it’s blue … just ask Jesse Pinkman). But what if he’s going full racist on live television? A quick zap of energizing voltage, administered up his leg, could help snap our leader to attention, and should allow him to quickly get back on topic, and might even dial back his heroic forward-leaning duck-pose a little.
But what if he’s just retweeting white supremacists at 3 am, unable to sleep being the workaholic that he is? Well, then a gentle release of our special formula-K might be just what the doctor ordered (at least when he was still allowed to practice, before that unfortunate DEA witch-hunt … but never mind that, what the elite call our staff’s criminal history is but one example of our deep-state-resistance bona fides. MAGA!).
With full control of these monitoring and moderation tools you can rest easy, keeping our beloved commander in chief on a seemingly even keel, as he transitions us all to greatness (while the Godless demon-rats and Marxist antifa libtards can either come along, or be left behind, just like the preachers who take our money tell us they’ll be).
Our moderation tech, as well as the full suite of traditional performance data (audio, radiation levels, and remaining depth of spackle-on-tan foundation), can all be accessed through an easy to use dashboard from any web browser (so you can check in on the big guy from anywhere in the world … even Moscow). And as for security, have no worries, we’ll be seeking help from none other than our president’s very own top cybersecurity consultant. Just as soon as he stops pestering Ukranians, shouting obscenities at British reporters, and trying to sell us title insurance.
Bit-E Manos Tech Marketing Lead, Wanker Wearables (established, well … soon, if you really feel we need paperwork for this. Couldn’t we just go to Jared?)